Grandmas as Doulas
Has your daughter asked you to accompany her to her upcoming birth? Some new moms are inviting their own moms to attend their births. When one of my doula clients shares with me that her mom will be coming to the birth too, I l invite the new grandma to come to childbirth classes or prenatal meetings so that we can plan how we can work together to support mom as a seamless team. There is a strong bond between many moms and their own moms. This brings a powerful energy to the birth, together we can facilitate the revelation of this inner beauty. We all pray for healthy moms and babies, but there are expectations beyond that:
Sometimes the pregnant mom has different expectations. She invites her mom to come with her to her birth, and expects her Mom to fill the role of doula. It sounds idyllic to have Grandma support her daughter at her birth. She is surrounded by people who love her, the love of her husband and the love of her mom. They can create a community that will envelop her in a cocoon of love in the hospital. We want to create a peaceful, comfortable and loving environment that protects the bubble of peace that should surround every mother and baby no matter how they give birth.
However, as all mothers who have given birth know, birth can be unpredictable. We pray that all should go well, and that the birth follows the normal curve, but many births take some twists and turns that surprise everyone. Just one example that happens not so infrequently: Labor slows down and the doctor suggests augmenting the labor with Pitocin. During active labor, Mom may be fully focused in her body and on her labor, what we tend to call being in a labor trance and may not be able to ask the questions she might have asked if you had asked her on a different day. Can Grandmas empower new mom and dad to ask those questions?
If we contrast this with the services that doulas provide: Most doulas see themselves as providing a professional service. They have taken workshops, many are certified, and many go on to refine their craft and take continuing education classes and their passion leads them to expand their skills even further. They may provide information about the normal course of labor and delivery, information and support if medical decisions have to be made, they may help with physical comfort measures, and a host of other ways of being there for mom and dad and baby. Research has shown again and again that moms and dads tend to have happy memories of their births when they feel that their voices have been heard and their requests were honored.
Can Grandma fill these roles? We could expand this question even further: Can a trusted friend who has no training as a doula fill that role? It would be so nice to say, “You’ll know everything that you need to know.” Our inner knowing, our intuition certainly follows us as we cross the bridge to becoming Grandmas. Birthing from Within believes that there are three ways of knowing: That is the primordial, intuitive knowing described in the previous sentence, there is knowing of information, i.e. facts and figures, otherwise known as modern knowing, and knowing yourself, e.g. what is motivating you to make the choices that you are making? Where did those assumptions originate? Expanding these different ways of knowing can prepare Grandmas to fill those shoes of supporting New Mom into her journey of giving birth.
As our daughters prepare for their upcoming birth, grandmas to be can prepare to become grandmas, whether it is their first grandchild or 10th or beyond…
If you are interested in joining a grandmothers’ group so that we can explore these different ways of knowing. please contact me for further information at bernicerivkin@gmail.com or 773-965-5221.